i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize