Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
