I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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