You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize