Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
