Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
My bed smells like the plague
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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