Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I looked at my own cervix.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Randomize
