I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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