My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Randomize