yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
