farters have to be the big spoon...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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