I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
