when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
