Pants 0. Shit 1.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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