Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
whose parrot is this?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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