Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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