Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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