Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
