i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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