I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just forgot I was standing up.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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