if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
