I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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