wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
