His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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