Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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