so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Randomize
