he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
