you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
