Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My cat gives me a boner
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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