In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
