Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
