so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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