wakey wakey hands off snakey
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
