____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
