I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
