I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
