so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
