Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
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