Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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