My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
