I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize