It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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