he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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