He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
