We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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