I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
