So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
please come you make the beer taste better
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
