new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I will be naked everywhere
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
