I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
