Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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