He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
