I intend to get homeless drunk
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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