Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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