sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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