Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
