My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
