3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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