I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
