How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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