So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
